Autobiography Of A Face

Lucy begins imagining herself as beautiful but with “a beauty that exist[s] in the future, a possible future” (176). However, her face remains swollen for months. She concludes that the only solution is “to stop caring” (177), and becomes “pretentious,” carrying around “thick books by Russian authors” and occasionally “even read[ing] them” (177).

After finding a copy of Hesse’s Siddhartha in her English class, Lucy becomes interested in Buddhism, concluding that it would be a way to be free of “desire and all its painful complications” (178). She “resolve[s] that [her] face [is] actually an asset” that could teach her a lesson about life that, at sixteen years old, she decides “is all about desire and love” (180).

Despite her efforts, Lucy is “abysmal at seeking enlightenment” (180) and is “plagued by petty desires and secret, evil hates” (181). She “represse[s] every stirring” (181) of anger or hate and continues to believe that because no one will be attracted to her, she “mustn’t desire such a thing” and so can be “grateful to [her] face for ‘helping’ [her] see the error of earthly desire” (181).

When Lucy’s father’s life insurance pays out, her mother buys her another horse. However, the horse soon breaks a leg and has to be put down and Lucy is once again heartbroken.